"The more we value things outside our control, the less control we have.”
MARCUS AURELIUS
Let us put our foot on the first iron stair of the architecture of the Iron Mind. The embrace of the philosophical and psychological mindset needed for mental healing starts with acceptance. Acceptance isn't about crumbling in defeat; it's about building clarity and strength by focusing energy away from negative memories and past traumas, and healing ourselves through conscious focus on what we can control NOW.
When you catch yourself wishing the past didn't happen, imagine wishing for figs in winter. Maybe a silly analogy but it's memorable.
Epictetus wrote the following, addressing the grief experienced over loss.
But as a fig is given to you or a bunch of grapes at the appointed season of the year. But if you wish for these things in winter, you are a fool. So if you wish for your son or friend when it is not allowed to you, you must know that you are wishing for a fig in winter."
We can lose our whole lives wishing for figs in winter, but those wishes waste time and don’t serve us.
Peace and joy are not figs. They are fruits that can bloom all year. But the past is gone and wishing things were different yields no fruit.
That's why acceptance is the first step. In learning acceptance, we don’t accept trauma’s lies but defy them. In acceptance we acknowledge the traumatic event. We validate the pain of our inner child. We help her move on.
The Dichotomy of Control
A 21st century therapist and a first century Stoic philosopher will tell you the same thing about trauma. Healing awaits those who accept their fate, redirect the mind, and focus on what is within the dichotomy of control.
Stoics encourage focusing on what we can control – our own thoughts, actions, and reactions – while accepting what we cannot control, such as external events or the actions of others.
Acceptance doesn't mean what happened to you was OK, especially if you're a survivor of abuse or violence. Acceptance doesn't mean abusers aren't to be held accountable. Acceptance doesn't have anything to do with them. Acceptance is for the survivor. It's how we move past the ugly, unjust things that happen to us.
Acknowledging injustice, cruelty, or loss is part of healing. The Stoics didn't deny pain—they transcended it by refusing to let it dictate their inner world.
There are things that are within our power, and things that fall outside our power. Within our power are our own opinions, aims, desires, dislikes—in sum, our own thoughts and actions. Outside our power are our physical characteristics, the class into which we were born, our reputation in the eyes of others, and honors and offices that may be bestowed on us. Working within our sphere of control, we are naturally free, independent, and strong. Beyond that sphere, we are weak, limited, and dependent. If you pin your hopes on things outside your control, taking upon yourself things which rightfully belong to others, you are liable to stumble, fall, suffer, and blame both gods and men.
But if you focus your attention only on what is truly your own concern, and leave to others what concerns them, then you will be in charge of your interior life. No one will be able to harm or hinder you. You will blame no one, and have no enemies. If you wish to have peace and contentment, release your attachment to all things outside your control. This is the path of freedom and happiness. If you want not just peace and contentment, but power and wealth too, you may forfeit the former in seeking the latter, and will lose your freedom and happiness along the way."
EPICTETUS
Epictetus knew what he was talking about. He was a slave, and lived his life with pain and disability after a slave holder intentionally hurt him. He often said that lameness was an impediment to the body but not to the will. How focused he must have been, on what he could control and affect!
✒️ Activity: Dichotomy of Control
Examine some of your worries in the context of the dichotomy of control. Where have you been placing energy into things outside your control? Where do you need to practice acceptance? How can you divert your attention to what you can affect?
Create a chart like this or complete the chart in your workbook that was mailed to you.
👀 Watch It:
Start the “12 Stoic Steps” playlist on our YouTube channel by watching “Who Was Epictetus”.
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📘The Dichotomy of Control is the foundation of Stoic philosopher Epictetus’ Handbook. The Handbook (or Enchiridion) is a concise, highly practical guide to Stoic philosophy. You can read it for free on the PROJECT GUTENBERG website.